What Will We Do with a Drunken Captain?
by Mrs. SpockKirkMcCoyScott
Summary: Prompt: Five things you can do with a drunken James T. Kirk and one thing you can’t. Written with help from lyrics of "What will do with a drunken sailor." *Thanks for reading and reviewing!*
1. Way Hay & Up She Rises

Kirk groaned at the head ache he knew he had before he even opened his eyes. He rolled over so he could shove his face into his into his pillow to keep all light out of his eyes. Just when he thought he might be able to fall back asleep, he felt a punch to his shoulder.

"Ow! What the hell was that for? And who the hell are you?" he asked his attacker, voice muffled by said pillow.

"Bastard! You don't even remember my name do you?"

"Yeah I do! It's, uhhhhh, Stacy, right?" he said, facing the brunette this time.

"That's not my name. I'm outta here, Kirk."

And she left his room with a huff.

"I've got to lay off that Gorn liquor..."


	2. Shave His Belly with a Rusty Razor

"Chekov, how would you like it if someone pranked you when you were passed out drunk?" asked Sulu in a serious whisper.

"Zhe Keptin is on zhe rec room floor after having too much to drink at zhe party. He is asking for it. Secondly, I am Russian. We do not pass out drunk."

Chekov turned the razor on, but kept it at a low enough setting that it made no noise. He lifted up the gold shirt and shaved all Kirk's chest hair off, giggling the whole time.

"You're evil, you know that?"

"Yes, I know zhat."

Then Kirk started making sounds like he was going to wake up.

"Run!" yelled Sulu.

And they turned tail and didn't stop running until they reached their respective quarters. When Jim woke up the next morning, he decided he like the shaved look after all...but who the culprit or culprits were remained unknown. The only evidence was a rusty razor with no prints on it.


	3. Hide 'im a Shuttle Craft 'til He's Sober

"Come on Jim, work with me!" urged McCoy, dragging his drunk friend to the shuttle bay.

"What're we doin' here, Bones?" Kirk asked as he stumbled over his own feet.

"Hiding you in a shuttle craft until you're sober enough to see the Andorian ambassador."

Kirk put up no more protests. Who would when you're being tucked into a cozy cot with a soft pillow under your head after playing a drinking game with a Scotsman and a Russian.

"Better give you this too," was all the warning he got before a hypo was stuck into his arm, "It'll knock you out and then perk you up in about forty-five minutes. Spock and I can keep the ambassador occupied until then."

"You're a good friend Bones, you know that?" he slurred.

"Yes, I do."

And he rushed off, hoping to God that this time, Spock talked until he was blue in the face (ha ha Andorian humor) and waste enough time for Jim to from drunken Jim to Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.


	4. Put 'im out with a Hosepipe on 'im

"Sorry I'm doin' this to ye, Captain, but ye reek to high heavens!" said Scotty, spraying Jim off with a hose.

Jim shook his head and spat water out of his mouth. He took a few gasps of air before speaking.

"Those damn tribesmen! They drugged me!" he shouted indignantly.

"Aye, well, either way Doctor McCoy said you're to be hosed down ubtil ye weren't doped up so we can bring those men to justice."

Scotty sprayed him again.

"Ok, ok!" he sputtered, "That's enough! I'm sober. I'm coherent."

Scotty put out a hand to help him up off the ground.

"Glad to hear it lad."

Kirk made to go march off and tell them who was who and what was what. A hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"Ye might want to get into some dry clothes first."

"That's a good idea too."


	5. Put 'im in Bed w the Doctor's Daughter

Joanna McCoy was on board today visiting her dear old Dad to see what a CMO did every day, for she wanted to be a doctor on a Starship too. Since she would be graduating from the Academy in just over a year, she wanted to see what the real deal was like. And what better ship than the Enterprise?

"Jim, this is Joanna. Joanna, Jim," introduced McCoy.

"Oh, I've heard so much about you, Captain."

"Have you? Like what?"

"I don't think it's appropriate to discuss in front of your crew," she wittily replied.

Jim's face reddened slightly, but he was able to keep on his famous Kirk smirk. "Maybe we could talk later then?"

"Doubt it, Captain," she said, turning and taking her father's arm, "Why don't you finish showing me around the ship.

Before turning the corner, he saw Bones mouth "Stay away from my daughter, pervert" and he got a wink from Joanna. Tonight was going to be interesting.

*

Except, Jim didn't remember tonight, er last night, or whatever it was called. All he could recall was that he had made it back to his own bed after trying to sneak away from dinner with Jo without Bones seeing and making a big deal about him "showing off his medals again", then it was foggy because he had been a little careless with his wine intake...on second thought, Joanna had knocked back quite a few also. He checked the clock to see how long he'd been asleep; three hours.

"Oh God," he mentally moaned, "please tell me I didn't sleep with Jo McCoy!"

He checked himself. Good, he still had clothes on. A peek on the other side of the bed told him Joanna did too. So they hadn't ~slept~ together, they had slept together. He had to wake her up before Bones found them like this!

"Joanna! Wakeupwakeupwakeup! Your dad's gonna kill me and probably you too!" he urged, giving her a shake.

"Zzzzz, hmmmm, wha...?"

Then, his door was being opened and Spock and McCoy swiftly entered. The lights went on full, causing them to squint.

"Captain, I am surprised at you," admonished Spock.

"Jim, you've got a hell of alot of explaining to do, so get to it," fumed McCoy.

"Dad! It's not what it looks like! We were just tipsy and tired after dinner. Jim was showing me his medals because I had asked about them at dinner, and---"

"Joanna, I thought you had more sense than to sleep around with Jim. He's old enough to be your father!"

"Nothing happened Dad! Honestly."

Bones sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Jim?"

"She's telling the truth. Look, we're both wearing the same thing were at dinner. And the covers aren't even mussed. Please believe us, Bones," Jim pleaded.

Spock put his two cents in. "A logical explanation, Doctor."

McCoy sighed again. "Alright, alright, if the hobgoblin over here believes you, then so do I."

"Thank you, Daddy," said Joanna while she gave him a big hug.

"Just don't let it happen again!"


	6. What Can't You Do With a Drunken Captain

Wake him up early in the morning.


End file.
